Not A Real Writer

I wonder if I'll ever become a real writer.

I've known a few writers in my time. I've always considered myself to be one. Actually, that's kind of the shorthand way of looking at it. I consider myself first and foremost to be a storyteller. Ever since I was a kid I used to make up these sprawling, complicated plots and adventures. For me, that's what playing was all about. It was a chance to sit down and create my own world, my own drama and the like. However, on my 26 years upon the world I have known people who I would not hesitate to call "writers."

I suppose the first and most important quality of these people is that they read an awful lot. If I'm being honest with you I have to say that I am honestly not very well read. A few books stand out in those very formative years, such as "The Computer Nut," and a whole bunch of "Choose Your Own Adventures," but otherwise my reading material usually consisted of the target "Doctor Who," novelisations. Even these I didn't read all too often. The truth is that I probably read far more comics in my childhood than books and found the lettering to be the most difficult part to grasp. I probably learned a lot of my reading skills from those early days of reading the "Flash Gordon," collection my mum gave me for Christmas in 1991, or the "Spider-man," comics I blogged about previously. By looking at the pictures I was able to figure out what was going on and even translate some of the words I didn't understand. So these people are very well read and continue to do so. Even in my teenage years I barely read all that much. Most of the books I started were forced onto me. I somehow ended up in the English Literature class. I suppose my work was just about good enough to warrant it. I do remember sitting in the English classes in years 8 and 9 and bin thoroughly bored. The assignments I used to shine at usually involved writing a short story or even better, a script.

Those teenage years were again dominated by "Doctor Who," novels, this time the BBC novels for young adults which finally brought the 8th Doctor to life, along with all the past incarnations. So I ended up in English Lit from year 10 onwards. I was forced to read some interesting books. I probably enjoyed the discussions more than anything else. Well, to an extent. The class was mostly full of know it all, overly feminist busybodies that dominated the discussions. The teacher was a young(ish) single woman and didn't really filter this crap out as much as she ought to, in my opinion. These were the kind of people who called themselves feminists simply because they liked to be argumentative about anything and everything, but would still whore themselves up and chase after guys hopelessly. The kind of people who are so obsessed with this wonderful new toy, this new idea they'd been given of empowerment that they had actually failed to understand what any of it really meant or was trying to achieve. It angered me then and it annoys me now. I remember I disturbed many in the classroom when I said that feminism should be about true equality and therefore I wouldn't hesitate to beat up a woman if she attacked me. Equality goes both ways, not just with the aspects you think are beneficial. Otherwise you end up with positive discrimination which is not equality. Anyway, I'm rambling. So that was the class. I had a few friends who sat near me, both of whom are much brighter than I'll ever be and one who was probably more of a mathematical brain than an english one.

The thing with me is that I take a very long time to learn. What I mean is that I listen quite attentively but the information doesn't seem to fully process for a grew teal of time. I remember having to write essays for this class. I was an angry fellow at the time, something of a communist and whatnot and I remember turning an essay for "Pride and Prejudice," into a rambling attack on social class. It was the most absurd and forced tangent and I laughed a good deal when I stumbled upon the paper years later. It was obvious I didn't want to discuss what the teacher had outlined at all and had simply written something else. But the funny thing is that everything the teacher said and taught me did sink in, it just took me a year or two to fully understand it. I had to learn to be so detached and analytical.

So anyway, as you can see I was not a big reader. I'm still not, I suppose, although I am trying to change it. I've probably read more books in the last two years than the last six or seven combined. After high school I did have a phase of reading a lot of classic literature. In fact I stayed the hell away from most contemporary work until quite recently. I found modern writing to be cheap and mostly vapid but the classics had endured for a reason. But all the same I was not a big reader. So where did I pick up my storytelling abilities? Film and TV is probably the answer. I've watched a lot of TV. When I was a kid I used to do two things. I'd play for hours, either outside or with my toys, or I'd watch TV, which was usually cartoons. But when I was a kid and not a teenager I'd watch almost anything that could hold my attention. I've seen entire runs of countless sitcoms, simply because they'd air them every day after school. I used to wake up early on Saturday mornings to watch as many cartoons as I could. I loved movies, too, although my parents were very overprotective about censoring what I could watch. It's funny that sometimes they'd let me watch an M movie with a sex scene or some brief nudity, but they'd make me leave the room when those scenes came up. It taught me to be ashamed of sexuality, something I still carry with me to this day. But aside from that I was a leech for these things.

But I wasn't well read and I'm probably still not. So I have these friends who I think are funny, clever and terribly smart writers and they're awfully well read. These are the kinds of people who were reading from those early ages and knew all along that they wanted to be a writer, write books or somesuch. These are the kinds of people who can pick up a piece of contemporary fiction and become excited by a plot about people's lives. Now, don't get me wrong. I have learned to see the value in these kinds of low key, character based works. And the value is indeed very high. But this did not come naturally to me and I probably still don't see many of those books as "entertainment." And sometimes when I read I do feel like entertainment. But I'm glad to have gone through the process of being able to digest these works, probably thanks to some of those Lit classes, because I feel as though they've opened up a wide world which I may have taken far longer to fully appreciate. And these writers I know or have met, are able to write this type of thing.

They can write stories about people. Real people. Ok not literally real as in non fiction. I mean real in the sense that they are set in the real world and they have actual problems, romance, drama and the like. These writers are able to craft beautiful, enticing and yes, entertaining stories about.. people. These really are the best books. And the damn thing is that I honestly doubt whether I'll ever be able to write something like that. God knows I want to. I'd give anything to be able to sit down and write a story about Australian life. A story that is interesting and exciting, that people can relate to and ends up being deeply meaningful. But I'm terrified that I'm just not cast in that clay.

Sometimes when I talk to these people, these real writers, they come to ask me what kind of thing I write about. I always find this scenario deeply embarrassing because I think I pretty much write trash. Or that's how I feel when I have to justify it to them. Science fiction. Fantasy. That sort of thing. But the damn thing is that although I act all humble and kind of embarrassed in those scenarios, as soon as I get home I become excited again. Passionate, even. I have so much faith in these genres and their ability to create, what I consider to be amazing works of art. See, I like to make things up. The problem with me sitting down to write about real life is that A: I'm a hermit and probably the most inhuman creature you'll ever meet, so how the hell can I write about real life? and B: Too much is set in stone.

When I write I can't resist the urge to go completely wild. My novel is about a world where every living thing is made of metal for gods sake! But does this really make me a less valid writer? Does this mean I am doomed to write what will essentially be classed as pulp fiction? Surely this was more often the case years ago, but times have changed. Even comics and the like have started to grow up. The comic series "Sandman," or "Watchmen," are examples of how the industry has started to become a respectable art form. Ok so you might not like either of those two comics, but that isn't the point. Those two are worthy of standing next to any work of literature and I dare anyone to challenge me on this.

I feel like maybe there's a kind of snobbery going on here. The same way I sometimes encounter adults, usually men, who scoff and frown when I mention I happen to like animation. They say that stuff is just "for kids." Pardon me, but it seems incredibly arrogant, ignorant and also insecure to write off an entire fucking art form, just because you're trying so unbearably hard to look like "a real man." Or maybe it's true? Maybe these things are supposed to be cheap entertainment, mostly for kids. Maybe I'm not a "real man," and I need to grow the fuck up. Maybe I'm just trying to justify my own inadequacies as a writer? I don't know. I suppose time will tell.

But it annoys me when people write off entire genres like that. Yes, there's some shit out there in the Sci Fi and Fantasy genre. Yes, most of it is probably shit. But guess what? That's the case with any god damn genre. Publishers are trying to make money, after all. This isn't a problem confined to Sci Fi and Fantasy, or even Horror. But it's the kind of notion that is easier to brand, or write off. Like I said earlier, times have changed. Surely as a society we've all grown up enough to realise that it's possible to make any of these genres into works of beauty.

As it happens I do mostly write science fiction. And I'll even admit that most of what I write is cheap entertainment which I happen to enjoy writing. But not all of it, not always. And I've got to tell you that I genuinely believe with all of my heart that I believe in the possibility of these genres. I'm writing a fantasy novel and have been for ten years. I always have to explain to people that fantasy isn't necessarily about swords and wizards. Don't get me wrong, I respect Tolkein and C.S. Lewis, but the genre is so much bigger than that. To me, fantasy simply means that anything can happen. I believe the world I've created is simply astonishing and truly memorable. I also know that the characters I've written have come to life in the most amazing ways. I believe in the power of art in any form to shock, amaze and inspire. To influence our emotions and make us question our lives. I've experienced art which has changed my entire life, more than once. I also believe my book has the potential to do this to other people.. even though it's fantasy.

But I still feel like I'm not a real writer. The stigma does stick but it's not something I have any control over, not really. I know what inflames me. And believe me when I work on something I obsess over it more than I can possibly describe. Perhaps I'm just doomed to write crap. I guess time will tell.