I can't remember a single day in Primary School where I wasn't bullied or tormented in some way. I think the only thing that stopped me from going completely insane was around year six our year group gained some new students. They were two American twins who had just moved to Perth. One was a boy and one was a girl. The boy was… not quite all there. He was from South Carolina and made the mistake of bringing that special blend of American ignorance and patriotism over to his new country. He hated Australia, he hated us and he the bullying that poor fellow endured was ten times worse than anything I ever got because he was extremely aggressive. He'd try to defend himself violently and loudly.
Actually, I just remembered that his twin sister probably liked me too. It was an awkward age and I remember she kept touching me. Ha! But anyway, I only mention that in reference to my last blog post. The point is that if it wasn't for these guys rocking up, I'd have probably gone insane.
I've mentioned some of these things before but I'll briefly recap. Firstly I wet the bed until I was eleven, turning twelve. That's right. I wet the bed until my final year of Primary School. Even worse than that was that everybody knew about it from the day I arrived at that school in year two and the reputation carried with me forever. Couple that with my extreme inability to do any kind of sports, my pale skin which only became worse as I did less and less outdoor activities and my amazing stupidity (especially social stupidity) and you've got yourself a perfect storm for misery.
So Primary School was hell. But High School was something else entirely. I'm not quite sure what happened that changed things for me in High School. I have a few theories, but the truth is that life actually became a whole lot more bearable. To my dismay I went to Greenwood along with the rest of my class. I wanted to change schools and have a fresh start, No such luck for me. I was going to the same place as everyone who knew me and I was going to carry my reputation. But the funny thing is that there seems to be something of an unwritten rule when entering year eight, the first year of high school. Or at least there was where I was. It seemed to me that everybody had a past they were trying to shake. Everybody wanted to reestablish themselves as somebody new like some kind of do over. This wasn't strictly true, there were those who knew who I was and resented me still. But even they didn't seem to bring up the bed wetting or other things from the past. It was weird.
But I was still a pale nerd with no sporting ability and certainly no academic ability. The academic thing used to bug me and in a way it kind of still does. I am probably the most uncoordinated person you will ever meet. I just am. I've never been able to excel at any kind of physical activity, ever, in my entire life. (Actually in year Eight I was awesome at the high Jump but that was because I was one of the tallest kids in the year group.) So it always used to annoy me that I wasn't a genius. Or even remotely good at.. anything. It seemed like an unfair transaction. You're bad at sports or making friends? No big deal, you're good at other things. You'll be smart and intelligent and go on to do great things. Imagine being hideous and reading "The Ugly Duckling." Imagine waiting to transform into the beautiful swan, but it never happens? That's what it felt like. What it kinda still feels like. I've been gipped!
But High School was infinitely more bearable for me. Some things happened over the space of a few years in order to make this happen. The first thing was that between the end of Primary School and the start of High School I grew up. Way up. The growing pains I used to endure at this time were immense. I remember writhing around on the floor in agony for hours because my legs were throbbing from the pain. There were two, possibly three boys taller than me in year eight. I think it was just two, actually. So yeah, I was tall. I may have been a dweeb but you should never underestimate how intimidating size can be for some people. I feel like this prevented me from being beaten up some of the time.
The second thing was that I inadvertently made a friend called Doug. Doug was a nerd. He was the kind of genius nerd that I was annoyed I hadn't become. He'd been bullied in Primary School too, except he'd managed to do what I never could. He changed schools and took an analytical approach to becoming popular. And by gum it worked. He created this facade, this fake image and worked very hard to persuade people that this was who he was. But deep down he was a nerd and we became best friends. He liked spending time with me. It was downtime for him. He didn't have to keep up the act. He could just relax, talk to me about Doctor Who or whatever else. I really do think that having a friend as popular as him helped me out. If a rumour went out about me, he'd stamp on it fiercely. He always spoke well of me to other people and remained defiant on this. I earned some respect from him thanks to this. And by that time I had more or less receded into myself anyway, so to most people I was just a gangly, shy and very oily teenager with a serious acne problem who more or less tried to keep to himself.
Keep to himself. Ah yes. If that;s how I'd sum up most of my High School experience, that would be it. See I never wanted to be popular. I soon realised that I wasn't going to go on to great things or become the genius I was hoping to be. From the first day of year eight I had been placed into the remedial maths class next to the drug dealers and vandals. I remember being terrified that somebody would try to talk to me. It didn't matter if it was the teacher or another student. I loathed group exercises. An intense fear burned inside me whenever we were forced to buddy up with somebody for work. I felt sorry for whoever had to end up with me. I just wanted to be left alone. I'd sit in the classroom and draw on my file. I can't really draw but it's something I do when I'm thinking. I used to draw Daleks, Police Boxes, Cyber-men and these weird sad faces. Over time they grew to absorb my entire file and ended up looking like some kind of twisted H.R. Giger Wall Sculpture. But the point is that I just wanted to be left alone.
I used to run home from school. Ok, not true. I didn't run. First of all that would look absurd and secondly I wasn't fit. But I did the next best thing. I'd power walk. To this day it's something I do. I hate waiting around. I walk quickly. I walk very quickly. And when I want to try to walk very quickly, I'm almost jogging. I used to hate the classes at the end of the day which were held on the far side of the school because even if I got out on time, I'd race along and be caught in the middle of the other students. They all seemed to zombie walk across the oval, and through the streets. Getting past them was always tricky. Some of them would try to talk to you; usually to annoy or bully you. Others would genuinely try to talk to you and slow you down. But that was rare. The walk from my school to my house would take a normal person around my height about thirty minutes. I got it down to 14. I swear I reached 12 one day but I can't recall.
You have to understand that School was nothing but a torment and seemed to be a waste of my time. I absolutely loathed the idea of homework. When that school bell rang it meant that I finally had time to myself. And those hours were so precious and few. I'd race home, have something to eat and relax for a little bit. Then that time was mine. I'd often spend it working on a script or putting together a Radio Play. Or maybe designing a website or chatting to my friends online. Actually from 13 to 14 years old I used to MUD pretty hard. Before World of Warcraft there was MUD. Text based online gaming. But half the fun of doing that was getting to talk to people from Oxford University, where the MUD had been created. It was then my dream of moving to England began to take shape. But that's a story for another time. I'd try to keep to myself and with the aid of Doug speaking well of me, it meant that people mostly started to leave me alone. I say mostly because of course I still got tormented by certain people. It just happens. But I remember what one guy said when he was bullying some guy as I walked past. He saw me and was about to start on me. But then he paused and said,
'Oh.. Not you. You're too nice.'
The third thing happened much later. In Year Ten I started getting involved in Drama pretty heavily. It was mostly thanks to the school play. I'd been cast in one of the lead roles. But my ability to perform is a curious thing. You'd think it's the complete opposite of everything I just wrote above, about being left alone. Allow me to explain.
Even when I was in Primary School, I remember being able to make people laugh. I used to do sound effects. There were a couple of guys who used to tolerate me and they did so mostly to use me as something of a human jukebox. I dunno, I'm weird. I used to play with my toys a lot (that was how I wrote stories for years) and I used to act out theme songs, incidental music, sound effects and camera angles. (I'd lie on the floor in awkward places and whatnot for the camera angles.) I also remember being buddied up with some kids who were younger than me in Primary School on some school carnival and somehow managing to make them laugh. This one kid dubbed me "Jimeon." Because I kind of looked like him at the time and I was funny. Jimeon is an Irish comedian who had a popular TV series in Australia in the mid nineties. Whenever this kid used to see me around school after that he'd cry out,
'Hey look! It's Jimeon!'
I think I have a talent for performing. In high school I made the critical error of mistaking this for acting. I'm not much of an actor. But I can perform and I can certainly make people laugh. I don't care if that sounds arrogant, its true. In fact it's so true that I find people laugh at me without me even trying. I think I have a comical face. It's more expressive than I think it is. But couple this with the fact that, for nearly every day of my life that I could remember, I had been degraded. Honestly, if you've not experienced that I just want you to try and imagine it. Ok, so it wasn't in a violent way. I could have had it much worse. But imagine not being beaten up or massively psychologically abused, but simply picked on, pretty much every day of your life? Or at least that you could remember? I don't know if you guys have read my other blog posts.. but this is me we're talking about here. I'm the hideous, disgusting guy that wet the bed until he was 11. I'm the guy who girls couldn't stand to touch. I'm the guy who felt sorry for anyone who had to deal with me in any way, shape or form. My whole life was an embarrassment.
One day, when I got up on stage I suddenly realised that I simply had nothing to lose. I couldn't be humiliated. I was already humiliated. How can a nothing like me possibly fall any lower? There was no fear. And the thing about performing is that you're in control. When you get up on that stage there's a very good chance you're making a fool of yourself. But you have complete control over the process. It's up to you to make people laugh or smile. It's up to you to make people pay attention. How could I terrified of that? If you stopped me in the street and tried to talk to me I'd be terrified. I'd have no control whatsoever. I wouldn't know what to say, what to do, nothing. But put me on stage and I'd come to life. I think I still would. I could hop on a stage in front of millions and talk quite comfortably.
The funny thing about all this is that people respond to that. The public speakers we can't stand are the ones who speak in monotones or are so nervous and obviously physically distraught that it actually unsettles us. It's difficult for an audience to endure. But as a performer, if you're comfortable and don't give a shit then the audience can relax and enjoy themselves. I also have a self depreciating sense of humour which has helped me tremendously. I'll happily make fun of my shortcomings to get a laugh. Why the hell not? Even now I make more bald jokes than anyone else. And by embracing these things and joking about them you begin to own them.
I was one of the leads in the school musical in year ten and I'm not being arrogant when I say that I think I was the favourite character. Me and my co-star got the biggest applause on every night. But by then I was already passionate about comedy. I was obsessed with Dr.Who and this had led to an unhealthy pursuit of all English comedy. I lived for UK-TV. I'd absorb everything I could get my hands on. I loved it. I loved the language and the lyrical quality many of them took. I loved the absurdness and the way the characters embrace self depreciation. It was silly and yet somehow dignified. Teenagers were out smoking weed, listening to music, having sex and doing god knows what else. But me? I was writing Dr.Who redisplays. British comedy styled redisplays and soaking up as much British comedy as I humanly possible.
So I became witty. Or maybe I was always witty and it was hiding. Well, OK, I'm not that witty. But I have been described as such in the past and I think it's mostly true. People started to see me performing in High School. This was the biggest dose of credibility I could ever ask for. Seriously if you can make people laugh then they will forgive you for anything. My last few years in High School were definitely the drama days. I was still a lanky, pimply weirdo with hair that looked like a mixture between Albert Einstein and Inspector Gadget, but it meant that people mostly left me alone, but with respect. Actually some would try to engage with me or talk to me. But I'd do what I always do and end the conversation as quickly as possible (for their sake. Speak to me? Ugh!) Except for the friends I'd started to make.
So yeah. I've never really had a problem with public speakers or performing. I cringe when somebody gets up which is clearly terrified and mutters the words. I can understand if they're scared actually. They can't help that although it's still painful for the audience, which probably makes the experience so much worse for them. But I despise passionless monotones. People who get up there and just try to bore you to death. It occurs to me that some of you might be wondering how to go about giving a good speech or talking in public. Here's my advice.
If you're not directly reading a passage then don't give a "speech." Just talk to the audience. Engage them. Talk to them as if they're your friends in your living room. Ask them questions. Make jokes. Be absurd. Be passionate. Don't make it a speech unless it HAS to be, make it a casual chat. People will love you for it.
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