To Be A Man

Age is a funny thing. I remember when I was growing up I used to look up to adults. Life for me wasn't always very pleasant when I was a child. I've mentioned some of it in my blog so far. But my parents were always very fair and seemed to have their lives together. It certainly seemed that way to me, anyway. I suppose when you're young then it's natural to look at those who are in control of the world and become awed.

But I was a timid child who always followed the rules. I suppose some of that is down to my parents being extremely fair to me. Most of the time I genuinely understood their motivation and felt like the things they were telling me were entirely reasonable. Perhaps some of it was also just me being something of a coward. For whatever reason I followed the rules and did as I was told.

My life felt like it was something of a mess. Very few friends, no confidence and other issues which I felt I had to sort out. If I wasn't wetting the bed then I'd suddenly developed acne. If it wasn't acne then it was my poor eyesight, or my ongoing neck problems and so on. But to me, being an adult meant being in control. Growing up meant leaving all the bullying and nonsense that I had to endure every day behind me. It was something to look forward to. A magical time when I wouldn't have to worry about ridicule or other such things because that's not what adults do.

How wrong I was. The story of how I came to realise that none of this was true and that most adults were, in fact, inherently inept or corrupt is a story for another time. What I want to talk about today is the feeling that I've never been able to shake. I feel incomplete. Half baked. Not quite done yet.

I've never been the type of bold person to jump in, hang the consequences and see what happens. Well… in some ways I have. But for the most part I'm the sort of person who likes to stay behind and observe what's going on. I like to think things over and consider all the options before moving forward. This seems to have been my take on life and it's left me in something of an odd state. I've always felt like if I could just work through these issues, just sort them out and start actually living my life, then I'll be cooked. Ready for life. Good to go.

But I don't feel that way at all, even now. I don't feel like an adult. I remember a few years ago I was waiting at the train station when a young mother who was probably my age or slightly older (I'm 26 by the way) was nearby with her young son. Her kid was running around and playing and came up to me a few times, the way youngsters do. He was a curious little fellow and I threw him a smile, the poor thing, it probably haunts his nightmares to this day. But I'll never forget what the young mother said to her son.
'Leave the man alone.'

Look, I know she didn't mean anything other than for her son to stop pestering a stranger. It's just a phrase and nothing was really meant by it. But at the age of 24 I'd never really been called a man. I'd never considered myself to be even close to being a man, yet. To me, men make hard decisions and have their life in order. Being a man means making the right sacrifices at the right times and having confidence. A man should be able to have life skills, he should be able to fix things, build things- and be in a position to have a family. A man was an adult, one of those godlike figures I'd looked up to all those years ago as a child.

But then I thought to myself that I'm 24. Biologically I am, in fact, a man. This thought seemed strange to me and I've been trying to figure it out ever since. What does it really mean to be a man? Is it purely biological? Or are there important social aspects to consider? Are there a set of rights one must undergo before they can call themselves a man, perhaps sex or something else? Honestly, what does any of this really mean?

I still don't think of myself as a man. And I still don't think of myself as being quite "finished," yet. One of the reasons why I haven't gone bounding after a girlfriend, asking people out and all of that nonsense is because I simply feel like my life is in no position to maintain a relationship that's going to go anywhere. I don't feel like I'm ready to be a father or have a family. I certainly don't feel like I have any of the handyman skills which perhaps a man really ought to have. A man and a father should surely be able to provide for and protect his family. Or is this outdated? I don't really know.

I feel like I will get there. Ok, so I might not be a handyman but I do feel like I am going to sort my life out. I've always been a slow learner and a slow starter. I've always stood back, considered the options and then moved forward. I'm 26, turning 27 this year. Many people from my school year are married with children by now. Many more have chosen a career and are well underway in that. Me? I've worked the same lowly job for eight years. I quit year eleven twice in two different years and never really got an education after. But I feel like I have so much to give, once I somehow sort myself out.

But I'm not done yet. Maybe I'll get there after all but it'll just take me a little longer. Maybe I won't ever get there and my life is always going to be about me telling myself that once I've dealt with a certain list of issues then I'll be ready, but not today. I can't tell. But I do have a desire to become somebody of consequence. I desire to be somebody worthy of being called a man. But right now I don't feel like I can call myself that. I feel like the title has to be earned. I may be 26 but I honestly feel like I'm only just starting out.

Am I wasting the best years of my life with this attitude? Only time will tell.

Song: "Not Ready Yet," by Eels.