It’s the real people underneath that confuses me. See, I get the facade. These are usually simple, happy and easy to understand. But the problem is that peoples real behaviour rarely tallies up with these fronts. I’m no psychologist and barely educated of course. So these ramblings are really nothing more than nonsense and can’t be backed up in any way, shape or form. But the purpose of this blog is more for me to go through my own thoughts and observations; no matter how wrong they may be. So there you have it. Anyway, it’s the people underneath. What makes people think, feel and act the way they do? See, despite my overwhelming seeming pessimism I am actually a profound optimist in many ways. I really do believe in the human race, in people in general and that people are mostly good inside. So I wonder how and why these people end up the way they do. Look at it this way. Everybody has something that gets them out of bed. I’ve been the guy trapped in his bedroom unable to leave his bed. I’ve felt so utterly useless and hopeless that I simply saw no reason to get up or brave the outside world. Hell, I’ve been afraid of people in general for a while now. But people do find something that makes them tick. Maybe for most people it isn’t anything big or dramatic. Maybe it’s something tiny, like seeing the way their puppy cocks his head to one side when he hears a strange sound for the first time. Maybe it’s to raise their newborn son. Maybe it’s to get out and water the garden. Or maybe it’s so they can design the worlds next mighty skyscraper or masterpiece.
So people confuse me. I can grasp the big stuff. I feel like I can understand the way people think or feel on a fundamental level. I can relate to people. I’ve always had a strong sense of empathy, that is been able to put myself into somebody else’s shoes and consider how they might feel about a situation. But these nitty gritty bits and pieces are my undoing. It’s the strange rituals of how strangers talk to each other on the street for the first time. It’s how a normal person goes into a bar, lines up, orders the drink and proceeds to talk to a strange woman. It’s how two strangers hug for the first time and somehow it isn’t awkward. It’s how to look at one another without feeling strange, weird or uncomfortable. In many ways I feel like my life journey is all about becoming a human being. I can be more specific on that later on, but for now I’ll stick to my overall point. People are just baffling creatures. I’m jealous of them. I’ll admit it. People have told me, recently, that I’m quite arrogant and intimidating. I’ll admit that I’m arrogant. It’s a defence mechanism I actively chose to adopt when I was a teenager with no confidence and awkward about everything. I was watching Dr.Who at the time and saw the 6th Dr, played by Colin Baker at the time. This is very sad, but being a huge fan of the show, his portrayal really spoke to me. I’d never seen this Doctor before and it was something of a revelation to me. He was.. Arrogant. Loud. Proud. Brash and confident. If he was being accosted, accused or confronted he stood up straight and tall and looked them in the eye. I admired that. Being quite a tall and skinny teenager I tended to stoop and hunch. The 6th Doctor taught me to stand up tall. It’s something I do to this day. So yeah, I admit I’m arrogant and brash. I try to be. But intimidating? That shocked me.
It feels like my entire life has more or less been about me being belittled by other people. Primary School was certainly like that from Day 1 of year 1 right through to the final day of year 7. My parent’s never took it seriously when I tried to tell them. I don’t think my dad took any real notice until we came to the last 2 or 3 days of school. We’d already graduated you see and so the last few days were just filler. I told my parents there wasn’t any need for me to go there for one second longer- and so I wouldn’t. I remember my Dad seeming somewhat confronted by this. He said I’d spent my childhood with these people and I wouldn’t see many of them ever again. I might regret that when I was older. I told him if I had my way I’d never see any of them ever again as long as I lived. I think this unsettled him a little. I meant it then and I still stand by it. I feel the same about high school for the most part, too. I have no desire to see anyone from high school who I haven’t already made contact with already. Honestly, just fuck off
Anyway, I intimidate people. See, this is difficult for me to wrap my head around because I feel so insignificant. I guess I’m tall and miss social cues. I also say things bluntly and blatantly, which is probably rude, I suppose. I don’t dance around. I don’t play these little games with people. I just say what I feel otherwise I shut my damn mouth. If somebody asks me for information, such as my opinion, they get it. I also look angry. My default face seems to be an angry face. People think I’m serious. Maybe it’s true. Maybe I am too serious and think too much- but again, I feel quite absurd and silly. I used to do a lot of comedy work in drama in high school and to this day I consider my writing to be comedy. I call myself a comedy writer and I feel as though I understand comedy. Arrogant, perhaps, but there it is. So you see, how could this piddly, bullied sub-human possibly be confronting? And yet I am. Somebody once told me that they feel like I’m too intelligent for them. Me? I quit high school when I was 16. And then again at 17. I did year 11 twice and quit twice. I’ve never studied since. I’ve worked at a fast food store for eight years now, 5 of them as a manager. I’ve never been good at maths or science- just writing or reading. How is THAT intelligent?
So yeah. People confuse me and I intimidate them. I spend most of time my time alone and to be honest that’s how I like it. I have more to say on these things but that will do for today. Read on later if you’re interested in discovering the thought processes of my insanity!
